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By Bob the Reporter | Special to the Times

10 minute read • Published 33 AD

Jerusalem – God is currently on trial in the high priest’s palace, as part of the culmination of the Sanhedrin’s secret months-long push for deicide. 

Undaunted by the prospect of angering Jehovah (the One Whose goings forth have been from of old (Micah 5:2), Who wiped out the entire Egyptian army in the Red Sea (Exodus 14:27-28), Who literally opened up the earth to swallow Dathan and Abiram (Numbers 16:31-33), Who dropped ginormous hailstones from the sky to kill vast quantities of the Amorite alliance (Joshua 10:11), Who temporarily reversed the rotation of the whole earth (II Kings 20:11), etc.) by killing His Son, the conspirators have nevertheless proceeded cautiously for fear of upsetting the locals (who are armed with hammers).

Various strategies were considered before the betrayal and arrest in the garden of Gethsemane was set into motion. After an embarrassingly large number of Jews switched their allegiance from the Sanhedrin to Jesus in response to the resurrection of Lazarus, one proposal that was floated called for the execution of Lazarus (John 12:10-11). The hope was that he would stay dead this time.

But the mass defections weren’t the first embarrassing episode for the Sanhedrin at the hand of Jesus. They also suffered a series of stinging rhetorical defeats, not least of which was the time He neatly sandwiched them between their arrogant rejection of John the Baptist and the locals’ (who are armed with axes) respect for the same (Luke 20:1-8).

“A nighttime arrest…clever! LOL.” was Jehovah’s initial response when asked for comment on the chief priests’ machinations. However, He heavily emphasized the word initial (Psalm 2:4-5).

Herb: “Cannibal cult!” Vern: “Mind control!”

A long line of witnesses was seen snaking out of the high priest’s palace as proceedings got underway. Once inside the palace, they produced a litany of uncorroborated testimony (Mark 14:55-56):

HERB: Yeah, I’ve seen this guy. Always talking about eating flesh and drinking blood, you know. I heard that once he gets a big enough following, he’s going to take over Jerusalem and start some weirdo cannibal kingdom or something. Each week, him and his followers will consume a different member of the Sanhedrin, with a different recipe each time. So, it will take 70 weeks to eat their way through the Sanhedrin. And I think THAT’S what Daniel was trying to warn us about!!

VERN: Yeah, well I heard he has mind control powers. Whenever he says “I am”, see, he gets control of your mind and makes you a slave to his will. But I’m safe because I have this hollowed-out gourd rind on my head…that blocks the mind control. Anyway, don’t let him in the temple again! His powers have been growing and he’s planning to use his powers on God, which would then make him unstoppable. We’ve got to strike while we have the chance!!

At this, Caiaphas was seen doing a two-handed face palm. 

Live Updates

<Editor’s note: our team is continuing to bring you the latest on this developing story>

Chief priests “…not envious at all. Or scared.”  

<Jesus was eventually sent to Pilate, who sent him on to Herod (Luke 23:7). Interviewed near Herod’s temporary Jerusalem headquarters, chief priests vehemently denied allegations of ulterior motives (Matthew 27:18)>

THE TIMES: Jesus had crowds of people singing His praises, spreading palm branches in His path, and trying to force Him to be king. Would you like that?

JOE THE CHIEF PRIEST: Yes–no! Why would I want that? That’s a ridiculous question. Uh, Caesar rules!!!!

THE TIMES: Early reports from Gethsemane mention a brief blast of holy power, just two little words, which brought you and your henchmen to your knees (John 18:6). Are you sure you know Who you are dealing with here?

<At this point in the interview, chief priest Jim’s eyes grew wide, he fled in terror, and he was unavailable for further comment>

JOE THE CHIEF PRIEST: Don’t mind Jim, he’s just excitable. As for those reports, they are fake news planted by his disciples. Jesus himself is a deceiver (Matthew 27:63), so don’t act all surprised about this.

THE TIMES: But Little Orphan Billy (who was also at the temple on Palm Sunday) corroborates the garden narrative wherein you were spontaneously carried backwards and forced down to the ground, as if caught in the rush of a mighty river. He also remembers laughing at the way you all struggled, flailed around and dropped your swords.

JOE THE CHIEF PRIEST: Sadly, Billy was killed an hour ago in a hit-and-run, ahem, accident.

THE TIMES: My sources confirm Billy is no longer with us, but they also add that he is laughing once more. In fact, the laughter has taken on a deeper quality. Any comment?

JOE THE CHIEF PRIEST: OK THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!!!

<At this point, our press badge was confiscated and we were escorted out of the venue. Joe released this statement through his publicist: “I look forward to observing the upcoming sabbath (which is a high day) without all this hubbub, and of course with no bloody, disfigured bodies left on crosses.” (John 19:31)>

Caiaphas: “What 12 legions?”

<Jesus has been sent back to Pilate by Herod (Luke 23:11), and is now being examined in the judgment hall. We caught up with Caiaphas the high priest, who remained outside the hall so as not to be defiled (John 18:28). His long, flowing robes picked up the brisk morning breeze as we sat on a stone bench on the Gabbatha and munched on pomegranates.>

THE TIMES: Your excellency, some military analysts have expressed skepticism about the actual extent of Roman power. Does Pilate have the necessary forces to maintain custody of Jesus in the event of an armed conflict?

CAIAPHAS: Fool! Haven’t you heard of Vercingetorix (1)? Hannibal (2)? The pages of history are littered with the bodies of those who dared raise a hand against the silver eagle (3).

THE TIMES: The exploits of Julius Caesar and Scipio Africanus are impressive, but Gideon the Military Expert has raised questions about whether Pilate and his 1,000 troops at Jerusalem (4) would stand a chance against an army of at least 60,000 angelic warriors (Matthew 26:53) and 20,000 chariots of fire (Psalm 68:17).

<At this point Caiaphas scowled at us, scribbled something down in a little book, and walked away, leaving his half-eaten pomegranate behind.>

Elijah: The LORD “not whetting His glittering sword”

<Shortly after Caiaphas walked away, Elijah appeared right in front of him>

ELIJAH: Don’t worry, Caiaphas. The LORD God of Israel is not going to make His arrows drunk with blood (Deuteronomy 32:41-42).

CAIAPHAS <with a deeper scowl at this point>: WHY would I worry about that??

ELIJAH: His sword won’t devour flesh. I wouldn’t stress about it (Deuteronomy 32:41-42).

CAIAPHAS: Guards! Sieze him!

<Guards were unsure what to do, since they could not see or hear Elijah>

ELIJAH: Yeah, I mean, so what if just one angel previously killed one hundred and eighty-five thousand enemy troops (II Kings 19:35). Who cares, right?

<Caiaphas, attempting to scurry away, tripped on his robes and fell over.>

ELIJAH: And I don’t think God would ever allow the Roman legions to destroy Jerusalem and burn down the temple as a punishment for what you’re doing to Jesus (Psalm 2:1-5, Acts 4:25-27, (5)). That would be ridiculous.

<At that point, something happened that was hard to describe. It felt like an earthquake, but it sounded like deep laughter (Psalm 2:4).>

Correction: This report has been updated to reflect the fact that 69, not 71, robed men were plotting God’s death (John 19:38-39, (6)).

Editor’s note: Jesus was subsequently crucified, but then rose again and held a triumphant press conference (click here) to announce His successful rescue of as many as His Father had given Him (John 17:2). Joe the chief priest threw himself off a roof. Jim the chief priest joyfully attended the press conference.

Links:

1. Vercingetorix at Wikipedia
2. Hannibal at Wikipedia
3. The legionary eagle standard at Wikipedia
4. Pontius Pilate at Livius
5. Destruction of Jerusalem at Wikipedia
6. Sanhedrin at Wikipedia