Image by Ivana Divišová from Pixabay

In a controversial move, a Galilean prophet named Jesus announced in a Jerusalem press conference today that he has saved a vast number of people from burning in hell and has reserved a spot for them in paradise. The news prompted intense scrutiny from reporters in the room and widespread skepticism online.

In a lengthy announcement, Jesus referenced the holiness of a self-existent, supreme God named Jehovah (I Timothy 6:16, Deuteronomy 32:39, Exodus 6:3), Jesus’s own equality with that deity (John 1:1-2), the original sin committed by a first man named Adam (I Corinthians 15:22), the resulting depraved state of the natural man (Romans 3:10-18), Jehovah’s selection of a “people” to save (Ephesians 1:4), Jesus’s own decision to atone for the sins of those people via his recent crucifixion (Hebrews 12:2), a process whereby a third Being called the Holy Spirit (equal to the first two Beings (I John 5:7)) resurrects the spirits of God’s people (Galatians 4:6), and finally, a general bodily resurrection (I Corinthians 15).

Local reporters acknowledged prophecies of a coming Messiah (Daniel 9:25), but questioned Jesus’s claims to that title, given his complete lack of resistance to Roman authorities (Mark 12:17, John 6:14-15, John 6:66). Jewish religious leaders tweeted out affirmations of their ability to establish their own righteousness (Luke 18:9-14), and Epicureans United released a Youtube video expressing incredulity that Jesus needed to be tortured and killed to pay for their sins. An anonymous Instagram account with the handle “WeBeAbrahamsSeed” responded to Jesus’s announcement with a silhouette of a pregnant woman surrounded by question marks, alluding to longstanding rumors about Jesus’s paternity (John 8:41).

As seen in the Q&A transcript below, the terms of the deal even triggered an extended interrogation from some of Jesus’s staunchest supporters.

Speaker 1: Jesus, many people are claiming to have personally witnessed your miracles, and they believe you are the Son of God, and they want to be saved from hell. What do they need to do to get in on the salvation you are offering?

Jesus: I saved…I didn’t offer salvation (Matthew 1:21). I didn’t make a way…I am the way (John 14:6).

Speaker 1: So people simply need to accept you as their Savior so they can saved from the lake of fire?

Jesus: No, salvation from the lake of fire is based on my Father’s acceptance of them, not their acceptance of me (Ephesians 1:6).

Speaker 1: But, sir, you are on record telling Nicodemus that if people believe in you, they can have everlasting life and not perish. Doesn’t that conflict with your statements today?

Jesus: No, I was telling Nicodemus how to experience the abundant life, not how to get out of hell (John 10:10, I John 5:1, I Timothy 6:12, I Timothy 6:17-19, John 6:29, Ephesians 2:9)

Speaker 1: So, believing in you is not the way into heaven. Doesn’t that contradict your spokesperson John the Apostle, who stated, and I quote, “But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name:”? Don’t people have to be your sons to go to heaven?

Jesus: Only children of God go to heaven (Matthew 25:34, Ephesians 1:5, Romans 8:29), but I was not talking about how to legally become a child of God in the quote you referenced, as evidence by other statements of John himself (John 1:13, I John 5:1). In the quote you referenced, I was talking about how children of God could embrace their true identity (Ephesians 4:24), and my apostles and I made numerous similar statements throughout our ministries. Receiving me is actually just one of many things that children of God do to express their holy parentage.

Speaker 1: What “similar statements” are you referring to, sir?

Jesus: [Phl 2:14-15 KJV] 14 Do all things without murmurings and disputings: 15 That ye may BE blameless and harmless, THE SONS OF GOD, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom ye shine as lights in the world;
[Luk 6:35 KJV] 35 But love ye your enemies, and do good, and LEND, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and YE SHALL BE THE CHILDREN OF THE HIGHEST: for he is kind unto the unthankful and [to] the evil.
[Jhn 15:8 KJV] 8 Herein is my Father glorified, that ye bear much fruit; so shall ye BE my disciples. Here, I was talking to the 11 apostles, so clearly they were already my disciples in a real sense.
Philip of GBC. Go ahead, please.

Philip: Thank you. Jesus, some of your critics and even some of your supporters are calling your plan of salvation as revealed in various Biblical passages too hard to harmonize. One verse says you have to believe. Another verse says you have to do good works. Another verse says it is all based on the work of Jesus. Couldn’t you have made such an important topic easier to understand?

Jesus: I have blinded some people as a judgment against them (John 12:40). My Father has chosen to reveal some things to common people that he has not chosen to reveal to the PhDs and M. Divs of the world (Luke 10:21). Hearing my gospel is a privilege (Matthew 13:16), not a right (Acts 13:46, Acts 28:25-28), and it is not the way into heaven anyway…I am the way (John 14:6). Also, there are many greedy charlatans runnning around out there and confusing my sheep (Matthew 24:11, I John 4:1, Matthew 7:15, Titus 1:11). In addition, right after John’s statement that you quoted about becoming sons of God, he clarified that there is another sonship that precedes any belief or choice on the part of man: [Jhn 1:13 KJV] 13 Which were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God…You can tell this is a different sonship than the verse 12 sonship because it does not involve the will of man, whereas the sonship in verse 12 clearly does involve man’s will.

Philip: So, you are saying this salvation applies to people independently of what they do or believe, but only because they are your sheep. So is everybody your sheep then?

Jesus: No (John 8:44, I John 3:12, John 10:26).

Philip: Why not?

Jesus: I left some people the way they naturally are, just plain evil (Psalm 58:3). That way, when I come back on Judgment Day, I can show how much I hate evil people and show my unspeakable power against them (Romans 9:22, II Thessalonians 1:6-9).

Philip: But in your sermon on the Mount, you commended the merciful. Aren’t you going against your own teachings?

Jesus: No, Philip, because showing mercy is only an obligation for those who have been shown mercy (Matthew 18:21-35). Those people I commended are showing obligatory mercy. I have never been shown mercy because I have never done anything bad (Hebrews 7:26). As such, my mercy is discretionary mercy. So, I am completely justified in not extending it to everybody (Romans 9:15).

Philip: Atheists and most religious groups have released statements unambiguously condemning this as a totally unfair arrangement, Jesus. How do you respond?

Jesus: I am God. Who are they to question me (Romans 9:20)?

Philip: So, you just decided to claim a bunch of people and save them, no strings attached??

Jesus: Yes. The Father chose, and I saved them (John 6:39, Ephesians 1:4-7, John 17:2). Yes, in the back, please.

Speaker 2: Thank you. Some of your loyal followers are claiming that you are really just talking about two sides of the same coin. Did you simply look out into the future and choose the people that you knew would choose you?

Jesus: No, when I looked down on humanity I saw deceit, cursing, bitterness, bloodshed, destruction, misery, fighting and rebellion against me (Psalm 14, Psalm 53, Romans 3:10-18). Yes, go ahead.

Speaker 3: Thank you, Jesus. Earlier today, you stated that you hated evil people. However, John quoted you as saying you loved the world. Did your spokesman misquote you regarding evil people?

Jesus: No, I was using the word “world” to refer to a vast group of people (not just Jews), and this matches the visions I gave John later on (Revelation 5:9, Revelation 7:9). I did not mean every single person who ever lived (Psalm 5:5, Psalm 11:5). That word “world” is used throughout my teachings, and those of my followers, and our everyday language, in ways that don’t refer to every single person who ever lived. For example, the Pharisees said that the whole world was gone after me (John 12:19). They were using figurative language; they were well aware that not every single person who ever lived was following me.

Speaker 3: So, you don’t actually love everybody?

Jesus: No. I hate wicked people (Psalm 5:5, Psalm 11:5).

Speaker 3: Wouldn’t that mean you hate everybody, then? You said you looked down and only saw evil.

Jesus: No, because as a result of being born again, my sheep have a core of goodness (Ephesians 4:24, Matthew 25:34-40, I John 4:7). Ok…Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: Thank you, sir. So, you chose all these people and you are going to make sure they all believe in you like John said and get born again. So, only Christians go to heaven. Is that the plan?

Jesus: Everyone in heaven is a Christian. They don’t all die as Christians (Revelation 5:9).

Elizabeth: I’m confused. Please outline your plan for us, sir.

Jesus: As I told Nicodemus, being born again is like the wind; it is not something you control (John 3:8). All children of God will get born again (John 6:39, Galatians 4:6), but I never said they will all believe in Jesus Christ as their Savior here on earth.

Elizabeth: But surely your sheep that are born again are going to believe in you and follow you once they encounter you. After all, they have a core of goodness.

Jesus: No. Some of the religious leaders believe me but they won’t admit it (John 12:42). Some refuse to step up to the plate because other things in their life crowd me out (Mark 10:21-22). This doesn’t mean I don’t love them (Romans 8:38-39).

Elizabeth: What about a baby that dies in infancy? He could be your child?

Jesus: Yes (John 3:8, Luke 1:44).

Elizabeth: A mentally handicapped person?

Jesus: Yes (John 3:8).

Elizabeth: What about a Hindu? Someone that hears your gospel but instead believes in a vast number of gods or demigods could actually be your child?

Jesus: Yes. Every one that loves is born of me and knows me (I John 4:7). Peter, JNN, go ahead.

Peter: Well, just to follow up on that, Jesus, my colleagues have obtained documentation from your apostle Matthew, who happens to be a former employee of the Imperial Revenue Service, showing that you recently instructed your disciples to spread your gospel on a global scale (Matthew 28:18-20). Earlier emails from your spokesman Luke indicate that you sent out another seventy preachers and stipulated that they not even greet people they encountered on the way (Luke 10:1-4). What would you say to critics who see inconsistency in urgently sending out all these evangelists on the one hand, and telling us that Hindus can die and go to heaven on the other hand?

Jesus: I love my sheep (Romans 8:35-39, Ephesians 3:19, John 15:13).

Peter: I’m not sure I follow.

Jesus: I care about my sheep (John 10:13). I don’t want my sheep to be afraid (Mark 4:40). I don’t want my sheep to live in darkness (John 12:46). I don’t want my sheep to go hungry (John 21:15-17). I don’t want them to go thirsty (John 7:37). I want them to experience the abundant life (John 10:10, John 20:31). I want them to have rest (Matthew 11:28). I want them to repent and be baptized (Acts 2:38). I want them to be saved from a crooked generation (Acts 2:40). I want them to be free (John 8:32). I want their eyes to be opened; I want them to be turned from the power of Satan to God; I want them to experience forgiveness here and now (Acts 26:18). I want them to know that my Father has already reconciled them to himself by me (II Corinthians 5:18-19). I want them to see life and immortality (II Timothy 1:10). I love my sheep.

Peter: So that’s why you want people to believe?

Jesus: Yes. In the front.

Speaker 4: You have faced fierce opposition from your own Jewish people, who eventually convinced the Romans to execute you. Educated Greek philosophers live-blogging this press conference are calling Paul, one of your most well-known preachers, a babbler. In light of such a hostile reception from so many quarters, may I ask, what if your sheep simply don’t want to believe you?

Jesus: They will continue in darkness (John 3:19). They won’t see life and will live with the sense that the wrath of God is upon them (John 3:36). They will not experience my rest, just like the Israelites who did not make it into the promised land, whose carcases fell in the wilderness (Hebrews 3). They will be more prone to pride, vanity, sexual immorality, covetousness, maliciousness, envy, debate, deceit, backbiting, hatred, spite, dishonesty, foolishness and murder (Romans 1:22-30) than they otherwise would be. They will be devoured by Satan (I Peter 5:8).

Speaker 4: Devoured by Satan?? For the record, then, sir, just to clarify, because this seems to contradict your earlier statements from today’s press conference, but are you saying that people who don’t believe you are going to hell?

Jesus: No, it is a temporal devouring. They are still my sheep forever (Mark 10:21-22, Romans 8:35-39, John 10:28-29).

Speaker 4: And you are prepared for most of your sheep to be temporally destroyed?

Jesus: Yes, it grieves me (Hebrews 3:10), but I predicted this years ago (Matthew 7:13). Back there. Yes…please.

Speaker 5: Sir, there are reports coming out of…[crosstalk]…I’m sorry, Jesus, why are you smiling?

Jesus: Someone is praying to me from an electric chair (Luke 23:42). Go ahead.

Speaker 5: Well, on that note…does that mean someone can live like hell for decades and then do a quick prayer right at the end to punch their ticket into heaven?

Jesus: No, it means someone can live like hell for decades and I can speak to him right at the end to resurrect his dead spirit, if I want to (John 5:21, John 3:8, John 6:37-40, Titus 3:3-6). Him putting his hope in me is enabled by the regeneration; the regeneration is not triggered by him putting his hope in me (Titus 3:7). Abel?

Abel: Yes, you said earlier that you were prepared for most of your sheep to be destroyed, but you have also claimed multiple times to be the Good Shepherd (John 10:11, John 10:14). What would you say to atheists and other philosophers who question the appropriateness of this title, given your track record?

Jesus: You’ll see (Revelation 21:4).

Abel: What about the horrible ways in which your most ardent followers are being killed and tortured? We are getting local reports and out of, and I think this is what my colleague was trying to mention, various distant lands, of preachers getting dragged through the streets until dead, being stoned, decapitated, etc.

Jesus: You’ll see (Romans 8:18, II Thessalonians 1:6-10). Yes? Sam, go ahead.

Sam: Thank you sir. On behalf of the…[inaudible]…um, is someone praying to you again?

Jesus: This time it is from an alley behind a brothel (Judges 16:1, Judges 16:28).

Sam: You decided to regenerate someone else now?

Jesus: No, my spirit came on him a long time ago but he went his own way (Judges 13:25, Judges 14:6 ,Judges 15:4, Judges 16:1, Judges 16:20). Last question, yes, go ahead.

Sam: So, now that he’s praying, he’s going to be OK?

Jesus: He has a permanent disability because of his terrible choices (Judges 16:21), and he is going to die soon. But I still love him and I will hear his prayer, and let him serve me (Judges 16:28-30), and then I will take him to paradise (Luke 23:42).

Speaker 6: Thank you.

Links:

1. The Bible, so you can see whether these things be so
2. Real press conference transcripts